Noticed

If you’ve ever wondered what your value is in the busyness of life, our guest blogger S. Abigal Gria encourages us all that we are noticed, in the waiting.

“I sit. Waiting to be noticed. Maybe someone will. All around me there is bustle. One kid flies through. Another heads back upstairs. Shouts from a game rebound. And all the while I sit. Unnoticed.

I slowly stretch my legs out taking in the slight chill air of a March afternoon. The sunlight peeks through the windows. Dust reflects in the tiny shafts of light that break through from the outside. Rare moments of stillness in the bustle. I quite like the feeling of cold on my legs. It reminds me of life – that there is life in me.

I am not a moving statue. This statue – which cooks and cleans and guides and steers – also has flesh, blood, a heart. Desires, dreams, emotions, hopes. But in this household, a statue. Often. Not always. But mostly. A function, a thing, rather than a person first.

All life around me but no involvement. I sit alone. Waiting.

*********

I sit. Waiting to be noticed. And then I realise that that notice will not come. Where do I direct my gaze? At those around me who cannot fulfil? Or at God who loves me?

In the moments of waiting, I forget. I forget the moments of interaction, the treasured, infrequent laughs and conversation, the sharing of thoughts and heart, the response to requests.

I forget about these precious moments because they do not fit. How can they? How can I have moments like this and still be a statue? It must be all – or nothing. Surely?

And yet it is not. In the waiting I am to notice my Father at work. His silent, strong, steady fingerprint across the drawstring of my life. His beating heart that gives me life. He calls me to lift my head, bowed down in the clay, and notice the shoots of life peeping through. The green, tender shoots, the small flowers through the cracks, the start of a deep root. Life. He calls me.

Yet I stubbornly sit. Grey. Wanting. Wanting what? To stay in my ‘prison’ for at least there I am safe. Safe, how? I am not. Yet somehow I have believed the lie that I am.

*********

I sit. I take notice. There is life around me which I am part of. I am part of this bustling life even though it is not how I want it to be. Even though I am sad and my heart hurts.

I am part. I struggle with this. Why? Why am I part of this? Where there’s pain and disconnection and a sense of being outside, unimportant, unloved.

Yet it is life. It is part of my life.

‘Look at Me.’ I hear Him call, tugging my direction away from the inward grey to His sparkling hope. He is calling me to look – look at Him, look to Him. He notices me. He is simply waiting for me to turn – to turn to Him and start there.

I start to lift my gaze. I start to look. I am scared. The pain is there still. What happens when I look? Will he reject me when I look? Will He draw away?

‘Look at Me.’ The command is the same – His clear, firm voice that only holds truth. I must look. I must look away from this inner grey world and look to Him.

*********

‘I am here. Waiting to be noticed. I am patiently waiting for you to see Me. I will not rush you. But you cause delay when you do not look.’

‘I do not expect you to not feel pain, to have it all sorted, all perfect. I just want you to look. Because when you do, you will see Me. The author of life. The author of hope. The author of dreams.’

‘You do not see how tenderly I love you. How tenderly I care for you. The little things that show My love for you daily because you are Mine. Come, child, come and be with Me.’

‘Come and sing this new song that I will give you. And then I will blow away those cobwebs, those grey clouds that shroud your view. I will show you My life – My life in you, in your family, in your world. Come and look. Come and look and see.’

Your smile brightens the room. Illuminating everything. Such warmth, such love, such hope. You are… everything. How can I describe or even detail it? All goodness, all life, all hope, all dreams, in You.

*********

I hear You. Calling to be noticed. I look. I turn my gaze from inward to You. I am amazed. You are dazzling. And so tender.

Your powerful hand holds me. You comfort my grieving heart and remind me of life in You. You turn my gaze and remind me of Your love.

You gently chastise. I have been looking in the wrong place and I will find no joy, no delight, no hope there. I find it in You.

I ask You how I can keep looking. You remind me that I need to do just that – keep looking. Daily. Every minute. Look.

‘Rest in Me.’

Your gentle, firm voice speaks lovingly to me.

‘Stop striving and rest in Me. Come to Me when you are weary, burdened and weighed down. I will give you rest. Learn from Me, learn My way, for I am gentle and lowly and you will find rest for your soul.’

‘I love you. Come to Me.’ “