Pruned

I remember it distinctly. Spring of 2015. Standing at the end of my bed in a rented room, crying out to God in the midst of deep depression.

The past year had seen some significant changes in my life. I had moved 3 times, changed my role at work and an 8-year relationship has ended in ignominious circumstances. What was going on in my life?

It didn’t take long for God to respond to my cry. He reminded me of a long-standing prayer – ‘Only You God! I want more of you and less of me’ – you know, those types of prayers that we often declare when we are in happier, more secure times of our lives when our God-relationship is in full flow. But now the flow had ground to a halt.

Two years previously, I had helped a friend with some gardening, cutting back a buddleia bush that had become overgrown. It was a brutal cutting back – literally to its stump – as per the request of my friend and against the naivety of my inexperience. ‘Surely you don’t want it cut that far back?!’ She knew what needed to be done: I didn’t. As I looked at the now pitiful stump I reckoned that it couldn’t grow back from such scarce remains. Yet grow it did. 6 months later it had fully blossomed again. The severe pruning had enabled it to regrow in a healthy way, rather than destroying it.

This is what God was now doing. He was answering my repeated prayer and was cutting back many things in my life that had long been overgrown. Ouch! It was painful and I wanted Him to stop. It was becoming too much. Due to the depression, I was in tears on a daily basis and felt lost and insecure in this new state of being.

Fast forward 6 years.

God is still pruning me. He is still removing layers and branches that are not baring good fruit. I am still house hopping, living in an even smaller rented room. My former cries of ‘Enough’ were nowhere near God’s level of understanding of how much more needed to change in my life, and I’ve long since learned to stop saying enough – and instead say ‘More God!.. Have your way.. Keeping changing me.. Refine me more!’

In particular, during the past year, it’s like He has been holding up a large mirror in front of me, highlighting various wrong attitudes and character traits that stare back at me in their ugliness. Most of them are things that I didn’t even think needed to be redeemed by Him. They’d become established habits, learnt behaviours from different circumstances that have happened along life’s path. Are the overtly sinful – no. Are they unholy – yes. Does God want me to be free of them – yes. Does He have a better way for me to live out my life – YES!

There are many reasons why He does this, but I’m learning that this is the main reason: God has had a plan all along for us to be a ‘Pure and spotless bride’ that is prepared and ready to receive her Bridegroom, Jesus, when He returns.

“I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy. I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to him.”

2 Cor 11:2

God is in the business of purifying us so that we are ready. But He can only change us to the level of our willingness. If we don’t want to change, He won’t force us – encourage us, yes – but never force us.

Here is where I now confess that, whilst I am willing for the process of change to continue, God’s far-reaching hand is often uncomfortable and my ‘self’ is wriggling and resisting. In some areas that I know need surrendering, I’ve figuratively put my hands over my ears and am pretending I haven’t heard Him. The foolish thing is, God is trying to help me and the longer I play my immature mind games with Him, the more I lose out. Some long-lived, stubborn ways are far from happy.

Recently, I finally got around to tending to the plants that sit on my windowsill. One of them had sprouted an offshoot that I didn’t want. It took a little bit of grappling, twisting and pulling, but I was determined to win this mini tug-of-war and became successful in breaking it off the main stem. Mirror time. As I had my hands on this off-shoot, I immediately could see that my current situation was exactly like this plant. God is wanting to break off the unwanted and unnecessary off-shoots of my unredeemed self, those parts of me that will detract from His plan and purpose for me life. Am I free to go after these things and remain with character traits that can harm others and not honour Him? Of course. But ultimately, I don’t want to and God certainly doesn’t want me to. In the same way that I want to care for my plant, God wants to do that for me, and for you.

I ended up shaking this plant quite vigorously in order to free it from itself. I’m thankful that God is far gentler and patient with me. He is eternally patient. It’s one of the things I love about Him the most.

Once I was satisfied that I had only the part of the plant that I wanted – once the mirror had been turned away from me and I’d acknowledged another area of my life being highlighted – I carefully restored the plant to its pot and ensured it had enough good soil and water to embed it securely.

What areas in your life are you wrestling with God? What reflections of your inner-man is He highlighting?

The process may not be pleasant and yes, it may be long, but oh it is so worthwhile.